Bram’s Emporium

A TV pilot

Whitby, North Yorkshire.

Life’s getting tougher for bespectacled Satanist and freelance Rasputin impersonator, Crispin Crockett. Mr Crockett owns Britain’s least cheerful, and most terrifying, joke shop, Bram’s Emporium, on the promenade. But everyone’s buying their Halloween shit from Tesco these days – and despite the Emporium’s fresh Christmas stock of jarred fetuses and pig skin masks, it’s fair to say the shop’s turnover isn’t in the best of health. Crispin’s animal spleen performance art isn’t getting much attention from The Whitby Examiner, either.

Now North Yorkshire’s health and safety fascists are on his back, too. Faced with the knowledge his business – and raison d’etre – will soon be obsolete, Crispin has cocooned himself in a real life house of horrors behind the shop, which begins and ends with the two people who share his grotty quarters: Marilyn – his beautiful orphaned ‘niece’ who makes vampiric gollywogs – and garrulous Ivan, the number one most-featured TV game show contestant of all time, and Crispin’s first ever lodger (selected by the proprietor because he has twelve toes).

Crispin has not been getting on too well with Marilyn since he started taking her earnings from her shifts at the fish ‘n’ chip shop (where she’s not allowed to talk to anyone). And now he’s beginning to regret his decision to let the offensively cheerful Ivan live in his abode, not least because he’s become his main rival for the affections of tea shop owner Piccalilli. But all these problems are the least of Crispin’s worries…

Because something horrifying is happening in Whitby.

What’s wrong with that corpse someone dumped on the outskirts of town, who owns the purple Nissan Micra that’s been lurking outside Bram’s in the early hours of the morning… and where has Marilyn disappeared to?

Crispin is about to discover he’s not the darkest thing in Whitby after all. Not by a long way.


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